♥Sunday, August 09, 2015 / 8/09/2015 12:55:00 am♣
Totally skipped out on June and July. Every month I tell myself to blog, every month I skive. Hahaha. Oh well. I will have to go back and blog because I feel the extreme need to. It's okay, I'm waiting now so I can afford to maybe do blog a couple of paragraphs to fill up the holes. Until then, I think its a enjoy my self-hate low esteem depressing post of August. Have other stuffs to do like tagging my songs but I decided to blog instead. Thank you, my cloudy heart.
That moment when you realise how much of a sad person you are. I'm sure one way or another people will ask why I started resin. I have a hobby on hand, why do I start another one? Compared to it, the cost may be lower/same and yet I still continue with it? Seriously? I'm not positive. Even if you can positively reply 'Yes, I know how it feels like to be depressed, I know how it feels like to be suicidal. I know....' Then yes, surely you would know that you don't get out of depression because clearly, there isn't a way to do so. How do you get over your anxiety disorder? When attacks come, how do you deal with it? Clearly you have your own way. I found my own. It is indeed a fun hobby, expensive, but supported because it helped to clear my mind and calm me down. At the end, no one can help yourself except you yourself. I know you can't help me, which is why I am doing this.
With all the 'You's' it sounds like I am pinpointing at someone. I'm not. It is to the lucky people who never have to experience this. I hate how I have to tear while writing this. All so more obvious that it is really what I am feeling and it has nothing to do with my period which ended yesterday lol. Anyway. It is good that people don't because at the end, you can't get out of this shithole. Which. Well. Yeah. AHaha. Lucky people who will live life with a lesser burden. Lucky people who will not have to experience and feeling so unhappy. Why do I care? Omg I need a depressing song to go with this hahaha kussouressha is so damn nice I feel like I'm sullying it with this post. Everything is so fun and upbeat. I love orangestar! Young, talented, it makes me feel sad how the other P just died. Sincerely hope it wasn't suicide. Even younger than me, yet so talented.
I know how I guilt trip people, but I consciously try to stop it myself. But why do people have to guilt trip me? So selfish. You know, it is as if I don't understand my self worth. I truly do. Why do you have to make me feel so inadequate? It is different. I don't need an add on to my already self conscious state. Fragile as I could be. Why do you seek competition? I'm boring as hell, I know. I am just not competitive. If you want to win, alright, go ahead. I don't want to fight with you. Why should I? I know the outcome is unexpected, always, but I'm sorry I am almost always right about the outcome. Tbh, yeah, you know, you are better than me. I'll admit to that. What else do you want me to do? Do you expect me to step up on my game just to overtake you and then to have you want to overtake me and be in this endless race, endless cycle? Sorry, maybe only if you are someone worthy.
I'm boring. I can admit. I just enjoy being a recluse. That's bad, yeah. I would have lesser troubles if I had money. Who doesn't? Why do I want to fight a losing race? If you like to feeling of having a competition, I'm sorry, I guess I am not the one for you. If you want to win, I will let you. It will make you feel better right? I have no will to compete. Is that boring? Is that bad? I just want to get on peacefully. If I'm happy, is that enough? Certain phrases (advice?) given to me by certain people stay through me. I need them. Are you worth having in my life? Yes you are. No you aren't. It is such a simple choice. It is not that I can't get along with you, I can't be swept up in your pace. Is that bad? You don't understand what it is like to not wake up the next day. You don't understand the fear of maybe not being able to wake up the next day. So why do I accommodate to you?
Do I want to leave my life, thinking I should have done this and this instead of this just for the sake of making you happy? Who is going to make ME happy? Is it my life? Do I live my life for you? The you who don't understand what it is like to have unfinished things and maybe, just maybe, you won't be able to do it tomorrow. When you can't understand the 'heaviness' of these words. I'm so sorry for you. I have to act this way because at the end, I don't want to look back and regret, for what do I have to do this for others? People who at the end, aren't important in my life. How much of a role have you played to be so important to me? Enough for me to mull over you, enough to help you, enough to want you to always be with me. It is sad, but right now, I'm sure everyone has found that one. Childhood is really so precious. I'm glad I managed to forge all these bonds with you.
It's a pity I had to use May's post as a base for July's. The heavy post on May is taking a huge toll as well. Why am I going through great lengths? Because I only have one BFF rn. If I don't try my best in this, I will regret. Which one should I try? I do my best. All of you are my friends. It is a pity I have only one person to share my woes. Would it be better if I have someone else with me right now? Would it be better if I start having other friends? I can't decide. I subconsciously am aware I will never get another one like her. Which scares me. What if one day she becomes a faraway existence? I can say pretty words. I can't handle reality. I will break. At the end I can't live without her. It is so scary. Faraway existence, I will cease to exist. I can't catch up, there is nothing I can do about it either. So terrifying, because at the end, the one making decisions isn't me.
It takes two the clap, and that is the scary part. I can make all the effort and it still doesn't work out. This is how it works with people, it's horrible. I can't. What i can do now is to make sure I have no regrets. I don't want to take advantages, if anything, I want to protect the relationship. But recently as I realised, the more you want to protect, the easier it is for you to break and crumble it. I have no idea what it is that I should be doing, how I should be doing it. If I don't do anything, I will regret. On the contrary, things will shatter if I don't do anything as well. Is it fate? Do we have control of fate? We make the decisions. Do we let other factors sway their feelings, sway their decisions? At the end, happiness is by your own hands. I'm sure my own choices for myself will make myself happy. Do I have to care for others, really? Is it possible to live alone?
Can I live alone without anyone else? Is it possible to be able to handle not to have any rl friends? idk. Will I feel lonely? can I go out alone? Can I see stuffs alone? No one to share my joy. Is it better to not have any attachment to anyone else? I don't know how is it like. Should I enjoy and savour the moment I have right now with people around me? When will people leave, the unforeseeable future. Will it be a precious memory? Will I remember this and reminisce with a happy feeling? I have so many to ponder over. But then again, I am being silly worrying over something that has yet to happen. Yet is such a.. lousy word hahaha. Something that may or may not happen. Maybe I am just prepping myself. Nothing wrong preparing for the worst, as long I saw it coming, it isn't that bad. I can deal with it. Better than at least if I weren't anticipating it. It will help, I know.
It's funny how random internet strangers can be nice to you. You don't need a connection. Then again, there isn't any attachment. At the end, am I just seeking a sense of belonging? I'm so disgusting. Why do I have such thoughts? It isn't about 独占欲 anymore. At the end i just feel so disgusted at myself having such thoughts. Do I deserve this? Do I deserve to downgrade my self worth? At the end, it is back to the main point of this post. I want to fill better for the rest of August.
♪ 空想列車 ー Sou feat.いすぼくろ
♥Friday, May 08, 2015 / 5/08/2015 10:05:00 pm♣
Thought I might really really love 蝶々Ｐ's songs so I played some of his and guess what; I do love them. Such a pity most of them are 書きおろし like kain's one and now touyu's. Really so heartbreaking but I guess this is his style of writing and composing, not that I hate which is more of the opposite, I can't get enough of story-lyrics and ballads and just piano. I love ballads. They make me tear, which is what I need badly now. So glad I finally 確信 that yes, I do come back to the screen when I am just terribly upset. I don't even have something animate now. I don't know anymore.
So many things 'happened' recently it is making so stressed out that I only sleep like 3 hours per day which is killing me at work. I really half sleep while doing them and it really sucks when I can't concentrate. The worst is having someone tell me I have my 'complicated' face on where I try really hard to smile but revert back to my 悩み face the next. Oh gosh, I guess I really suck at hiding my feelings. That sucks. Nothing bothers me more than that. I mean, this is the longest we have ever gone not talking. After like what, 8, 9 years? I wonder if I forgot to be grateful because it always takes two hands to clap. I am so used to the comfort, so used to everything and when I am suddenly shut out, it is so confusing. Is there anything I can do? Is there anything I should have done? Was there something that I did but I never realised? Words have been such a powerful tool.
The thing is, I know that this is stressing me out when it shouldn't! I am letting myself get too stressed and afraid over it. Was I being insensitive in the way I put it? Was I not putting enough effort? That moment when you realise it is better when people actually come out and say what it is they are unhappy about. It got so bad I even dreams about it. It's terrible. But why can't I be happy for you? You have better friends, met better people, am leading a better life and much much more happier as compared to before. I wouldn't say that I have been a good friend. What can I provide? Tbh, I'm neither witty nor fun, I マイペース so much, I am always always very thankful for everyone who would continue to stay friends with this boring me. I have a lot of (physical) pain, I don't go out, I don't seem to enjoy the way of life just as others does. Did you finally realise I wasn't the right person after all? But it's okay, because I recognise that I have never been good enough and I never will for anyone.
I don't want to put myself off as a pitiful person. It is so uncomfortable. I'll get over it just like a couple years ago. Sucks when I cannot talk to people without having this at the back of my mind and it kinda blanks me out and I feel like I block out other people's conversations with my thoughts. So rude and insensitive of me. But it just kinda argh when not only one but a few things comes to you at one go. Is there any way around it? There isn't. The fact that I know and I still want to go about it sucks. I hate this. I already found myself thinking of anything other than that. I don't understand why I still desperately try to hang on to the string of hope thinking that it will be the perfect 100% best plan when being real, there isn't. I know that, yet I am so delusional. The worst is realising the fact that that was how I was thinking and now I am just not working around it. I hate myself who is always sitting on the problem instead of solving it. When I find it so hard facing it, why can't I still do something about it? Shit.
I begin to realise the colors different people bring in my life. I am still not used to having swapping important people in my life. No I am not ready. Will this be a good life lesson for me? It's good, I am still in my twenties. I can still learn and go ahead. Why am I giving myself the death sentence too? It is not the end. In fact, it has only been a week since then. Not too bad, yet it felt like world end to me. Was it a kind of reliance? Is this bad? ねぇ、what is the correct answer? What should I be doing? Should I be the one taking the first step? Should I wait because I was being told to do so? Should I just listen? Should I just ignore and just go ahead doing what I think is normal and what I want? Was I wrong in replying? Was I insensitive? Is this how people think? Is this normal? Am I just being my own regular anxious self and accepting the fact that anxiety attacks will become more and more regular for me? Should this be? Will it become a norm for me? Is that going to be okay for me? I am so scared of crushing myself mentally.
I made my decision, do I have the guts to go ahead with it? Can I handle the complications that come with it? The fact that I cannot 相談 with anyone because I already know it is something that shouldn't be done, something that is not forgivable in the society really hits me. I am okay, but will others be? Am I being too careful and wary of 他人の目？ Why do I still want to do this despite knowing that it is something that shouldn't knowing that if it were to be known, I, definitely, can be prepared to lose everything and everything. And I am sure knowing that the blame will be shifted so that I will be out of harms way makes it worst. I can't even be prepared to take what is coming my way that it has to be covered. And even so, I will lose everything. Might not be that bad, but I am sure no one would believe me. Why, why me why do I still want to go ahead with it? Am I wrong?
All of these heavy thoughts is taking a very heavy toll on me. So exhausted going around all these things with no answers. Talking to people but without a conclusion. Dragging things out is so tiring, mentally and eventually physically. The fact that I have no one to talk to and no one to consult to makes it extra tiring. There is no way people can listen to this without judging me, even though they say they won't. It is such a shitty thing to be worrying over but yeah, I am just a 心配性 who worries about every shit. Can't deny that I have always been a little wierd myself and have zero socializing skills and just zero communication skills. Argh. Finally took a break from kankoreing to get away. Can't believe it has become a gateway for me. :(. What can I do what can I do what can I do I am so confused. It is so easy to say to do this when you are not in the person's shoes. Speaking of that, was ticked off yesterday because people making everything seemingly easy that I really want to just go up and scream in their face.
Was asked what was my dream of goal, and I simply replied being able to get up alive, well and just healthy in general. Was replied with 'But that is the basics of the basics! How hard is it to get up the next day? Unless you are naturally born with some sickness or what but other than that, how tough it is?' WELL BITCHES, IT IS. Are there guarantees in life? NO. Is there a guarantee something won't happen while you are asleep and you will wake up alive and well the next day? NO. WTF PEOPLE??? Being alive is a blessing, and then deciding what you want to do because you are alive and can do it is already a huge goal for me. If you aren't even alive or well and able, how are you going to complete your goals? It makes me sick to see people taking life for granted, but I guess this is how healthy people think, yeah. When you have no sickness or pain, you just don't get how it feels to start realising there may or may not be a tomorrow for you. Getting so worked up over this is so not worth it but damn, people suck.
I was actually quite pissed and irritable the whole damn day because of how unappreciative people is of life. How they can make a 'just get over it' seem so simple. WELL, if only it was that easy and there weren't that many damn complications that come with it when you just 'get over it'?? People don't get over it just because they are being told to and who can actually DO IT? Please, why can't people just think before they talk. Gosh I'm glad this is becoming a better post towards the end even though I was so upset in the beginning. I'm sorry for being a 寂しがり屋 who can't seem to live without anyone. Sorry for feeding off other people's happiness. Yeah, I admit being a クズ and I still don't get if it is okay to ruin my life or is it something I decide that it is ruining my life. Am I making things that bad? Idk. I am so irritating going round this and this, but glad I finally feel abit better. I still wish that dead weight will be lifted soon soon though. Even after typing I feel slightly better albeit heavy.
I can't believe it has come to this instead of me blogging about my kankore event which I have been anticipating so much! It keeps me very much alive everyday and I can't wait to blog about it though there isn't anything much. Can't believe the event will be like ending soon soon even though it felt like ages that I waited for it to come! Argh. Also just realised how much time I do not have to play when I am working. ARgh. But hopefully I cna pick up the pace again because Friday! Saturday! Sunday! I just don't have the guts to face people yet. I can't stop thinking anyway. Not sure excuses or not but please let everything be resolved soon.
♪ 呼吸 ー 蝶々Ｐ feat. 灯油
♥Friday, April 17, 2015 / 4/17/2015 12:02:00 am♣
nozomi wa nan dai
Finally got to listening to a new album, Eve and ゆりん's oyasumi after a very very long run of KK's album! Finally have it in my hands too. They are so talented. I 'sat down' and I thought, yes, I need to blog because I need to organize my thoughts even though my brain is blank. I have work tomorrow and I am so tired and I have no idea if I will complete this in one sitting but I need to type. I need time to myself and I need to be like me me.
I have never been an optimist. And more often that not, on months that I do do blog, it means I'm pretty unhappy and I need to get something off. Reasons why I have nothing to blog on months is because I am happy and I had fun. And this is the scary thing. When I get too happy, too carried away, I do so half thinking something bad is going to happen to bring me down. I'm so sorry that I am such a typical case of an anxiety disorder holder. I have panic attacks induced due to depression, I have terrible this, I have terrible that. It is so tiring. But I never thought of thinking that I want to stop living. It annoys me to no ends when people get into a mini quarrel and mini fight thinking that it is better that they disappear off the face of earth. While you are saying such 'pretty' words, there are many people out there fighting to live, and here you throw those words so carelessly. It is so wrong.
Of course I'm not here to preach. Back to topic, it has been a while since I last had a feeling back from my intern days. Not so strong, but yes it is back. To be honest honest and I have been saying this since forever, I have and am always very grateful to all my cooperative colleagues. Of course sometimes they aren't, of course some of them try to bring us down, but compared to what I have seen, this is good enough. I don't ask for more because I am always satisfied. I do understand the reason why people say you should aim higher, have better ambitions. I looked backed on the chats that Danny sent me, and although he often says that I wasn't as pessimistic as before, it is such a pity that there are sides that cannot be shown to people. I have always understood that on psychological aspects, no one can help you except yourself. I can tell you all my problems, can you help me? No. Because I can't even help myself.
So yes, Danny once asked me, what do I look forward to everyday. I was stumped, it wasn't that I have never thought of such a question, but an answer never came. I thought long, and this answers to why I never bothered when people say I should aim higher. Do we know how much of a life we are left? We could very well be gone the next day. With so many things piling up, it is so hard to not be grateful when you can just open your eyes the next day. I replied, I look forward to opening my eyes the next day, knowing that I am well and alive. I would not say healthy, but knowing that I am still breathing without any problems, I am aware of everything, I am alive. I can do more things, do things I want, do things I like, the way I want to everything. How can I not cherish everything? I look forward to this everyday. How can I aim higher, and better, when I am not sure of a tomorrow?
I know people find it ridiculous that I am saying this when I am so young. What guarantee do you have for me? Can you guarantee for me when I myself know better than anyone else the state of my body? Can you go through what I am going through? Quit saying pretty words. I know better than everything. No one can understand the pain each individual is going through, especially physical ones because who knows what affects them mentally the pain? Nobody does. Emotional pain itself is even harder to go through. And now that I know it is something that no one can help, why should I bother telling other people? Do you feel better if I tell you? I don't think so. After all it has no concern of other people and people who don't even understand can never know how it is like. 'I feel you', no you don't. Try going through what I do everyday. It's so painful. Are you willing to do that?
It is so painful. I wish I can say that everyday, but that is still to 'childish' of me to do so. I want to live, but that is also too much to ask more. There isn't any point telling people this (these) because I believe some care, some will get upset on behalf of me, some will be emotionally affected by how I am. Why do I want to hurt people who have been so nice to me? It doesn't make sense. What I can do is to be alright, so I can always be a beautiful memory in front of everyone. If only I was more clear headed, better at making decisions, better at this, better and that. But it is okay because I'm glad I have people around me because me. I am bad at lying. While some already understand and some don't, it is okay. I really mean what I say. I am really touched by just minor gestures. Some people never got it, some people never understood, but when you have not been never cared for, you never will get it.
A simple turning of name, a simple greeting, a simple eye contact, a simple message. Everything can just make or break my day. Maybe I am crazy, maybe I am just sensitive, but if you are willing to talk to me, 声かけられるだけで嬉しいぽよ。 And recently I have also come to realise how scary it is if you were to break something precious to you. It will be so tough to get over that emotional barrier. I wonder if my period is coming? But such post have always been well fitted in my blog. It has been ages since I had one when real life was so busy. It kept me busy. It kept me from thinking. I still prefer sitting down like this and typing out to understand myself more. I understood when I was 12 that writing was a wear to organize everything, improve every shit, and it stuck with me for 9 years. So persistent haha. Now that I chose to drop everything on hand just to be here, it feels good.
I'm touched when people try to help me, but I also know I give up very easily. I'm okay, please leave me to drop into this or that. I am totally fine. I am. I say that and please believe me because I don't need you all to do anything for me. People just don't understand the fact that as long as we are friends, all is fine. You don't have to do this or that, I am just glad enough that you are here. I sound so irritatingly noble, so annoying, but unfortunately this is how I really think (tear. When I am in the wrong, please just let me be. I feel so bad for nero senpai cause I went out of the way to LINE him and tell him that no, I need to be alone so I won't be able to reply so I will do so tomorrow. I don't understand why I have no such courage for my other friends. I can only reply how I usually do because I can't bring myself to tell them anything. Maybe because I can't Japanese but maaan.
Eh!? I am already on the second last paragraph?! HOW. ANd only half an hour passed wtF. I feel a little better blogging, I am all set for tomorrow. What is a small thing when I am alive, awake, and I have people around me? I can do everything. I enjoy being alone when I am upset because no one can help me, I don't want to cause trouble to other people. And there is nothing better than having resin by me when I am that alone time. It was a hobby to help with my attacks, but it was such a (un)healthy thing as it helped to get my mind as well as chest off so many things I can safely indulge myself in it (money tho). I can forget everything, get something out of it, put my mind at ease, I can do everything. Gosh, I feel so much better now I am much better at peace. I hope I can 乗り越える tomorrow and it is Friday! Weekends! I can meet people! And I can just roll around! Yatta ne!
I'm so glad I can end this in a brighter note. And yes on the bright side, とっちさん followed me yesterday! She even asked if she could follow me // I AM SO TOUCHED I really liked her since like 2 - 3 years ago when I first started cosplaying! And now there is the 艦コレイベント with the イタリアbattleship! I hope is a battleship! Going to Easy and hope I can complete because my aim is the ships! Maybe equipment in the future but ships for now! I am sooo excited and it is so smart of them to do it on the start of golden week hahaha. Saving up all my bauxite so I hope it is enough to last me 20 days!
♪ ていていしんじゃえ ー ただのCo feat. Eve
♥Saturday, April 11, 2015 / 4/11/2015 01:16:00 am♣
tsunageru tame ni
Hello April, I am so ready to blog. Opened blogger on my own accord to realise the 3 posts awiting for me I crei. So tiredddd. KK's voice so perfperf! Many things happened because March was a long long month and then came April. There was LKY's death, Lantis, Bintan, Holiday decision, Ansatsu Kyoushitsu, Oremonogatari, seeing the doctor as per usual, I have no idea which to touch. And I am already feeling so sleepy. Hopefully can finish this post with KK's album finish. Managed to get someone to help me buy his album! It is probably the only one I really want want want ehehe.
I actually took half day on the day I decided to queue overnight cause I needed to pray my yeye gosh I miss him and started feeling sick so I wanted to go back and sleep but my knn aunty decided to come over like similj is this rubbish selfish bitch. But anyway, went to meet Danny and XM and began our queue. SO HOT. SO TIRING. ARGH. I think halfway through the thing all of us alr gg already. From 23:30 we queued to about 5:30 then headed to braddell for breakfast. Decided to head home first but fell asleep wtf similj woke up in time to leave BUT I SO SWEATY AND SO UGLY SOB I LOOK LIKE SHIT :(( BUT I don't want to waste my MC also :( anyway I ended up falling asleep in the pantry and had someone woke me up sob so crei but I am so thankful for nice colleagues but I feel guilty as shit so I ended up staying awake but LOL I fell asleep just the way I was when I went home, literally with my bag and jeans on and I slept until the next day so ya sorry for being so dirty rofL.
And I went to Lantis with all great thanks to my bff @kaemq!! Gosh!! Right smack in the middle!! I didn't even need to stand cause no one block which is good good because my feet still hurts and the camera man which I can see from the side is so ikemen（チラッ hehehe. Everything is so fab except I should have dragged people in excpet my mum. But stlil thankful my mum came with me because I can't jump or stand up or high at all which might be a killer to some. And colleague was there too! AND I FINALLY MANAGED TO HEAR JAM PROJECT LIFE!!!! THEY SANG SKILL!!! THEY SANG GONG!!! AND I predicted most of the songs GOSH and when they sang the vanguard song I was liek USO DESUUUUUUUUUUU BUT YESSSSSS gosh everything was so fab fab I couldn't be more high and thankful to be able to be there THERE!! SuzuKen really stole the show though he is so comfy on stage and his bounce is so handsome（真顔 LOL.
Went to Bintan with everyone as well but this time was really really normal because I felt even worst than last year. I am really sorry for being such a mood killer. But I shouldn't have gone from the start. Terrible car sickness even before going but I am glad to be able to 'fulfill' someone elses dream but overall I felt very very terrible physically there. I don't know what it is that I am feeling so sick about but anyway, I got a very sexy bite on my neck by the mosquito there by visiting the 'zoo'. Damn cute, the iguana like machiam model know we want to take photo then chiong up HAHA. Got vulture also sibei chio and the inko can speak malay LOL BUT WHATEVs I don't rly care but stlil it is quite cute hahaha. I managed to try things that I never got to and this time it is with a whole new lot of people. But now i have learnt my better. The massage damn shiok and funny HAHA I FEEL SO CLEAN AND HUAHUA.
On Good Friday itself decided to finish up Death Parade and start reading on Ansatsu Kyoushitsu. Wow, Death Parade was so mad dark but as expected of MadHouse! I am so impressed by a total original animation. It wasn't like fab fab but good enough I think. Started reading Ansatsu Kyoushitsu and if I am not wrong is the last arc?! I mean his past is revealing but anyway! KArmakun so ikemen!! Nagisa so cute too!! I love the infiltration arc. And sensei is so cute. EVeryone are all now well trained assassins! Will be buying the manga shortly. I am so excited! I want to know his past. And Bitch sensei and karasuma sensei! I really hope both of them end up together too! Bitch sensei grew up so much and she is so young sob she needs to experience the world omg I think they will be so cute together HAHAHA omg so irritating me but whatever I WANT BOTH OF THEM TO BE TOGETHER. I wonder if Nagisa will be happy lol or continue be an assassin I mean he be a great one at that. Ahhh so excited hopefully by this year it ends sob. I have following it since it's serialization.
Finally got my lazy ass up to read Ore Monogatari. AHHHH. Arukosenseiiiiii. I'm so glad Gouda found his happiness! Only 10 chapters in and I think still a little too early to find out where it is going to but Yamato is so adorbs! Sunakawa so ikemen also I really like this kind of friendship. I want to be someone who I can help my friends when they are in need too. There are so many around me, I am slowly learning. I hope even for a little, it will help. Not sure if I will want to wtach the anime because it is so. Argh. Speaking of anime, I stopped watching Daiya no A sigh. Hope to continue but I kinda want to finish wtaching Magic Kaito. The new OP is really catchy and when I realised about it, it was by HoneyWorks. So it has come to this huh. I start unknowingly liking those kind of songs. It hurts. I also finished watching Saenai Kanojo. So glad I completed it! Going to start on Etotama because recommendations and I am weak to them when people ask me to unless it is a genre that I can never like.
Went to see the GP on the day I OT for a while and waited for abt 3 hrs and I bet everyone hated me cause I was in for 30 minutes. But I came out with a very hefty bill (for a GP). So yes, the reason why I experience pain when breathing (which made me so mad uncomfortable in Bintan for a few minutes) was because of an inflammation in the chest; chest inflammation. SIAN. My medicine one pill $3 wtF plus consultation plus all the other things to confirm that no, I do not have a heart problem, I came out with an additional stomach problem and tennis elbow simiLJ IS THIS OMGGGGGG. I am so tired. Even went to see sinseh aft that because ankle pain pain pain and this time the pain came back on my right feet wtF :( and my knees are like bad bad enough. Omg so sian and tired. HAve to see Chinese doctor also. I thought maybe this month I would have been better. It turns out I wasn't. In fact becoming worse and worse with all the other things wtf. SIgh okay I need to stop before this becomes a negative post.
I haven't been completing my resin stuffs but I have a bunch of stuffs for them. Satisfied. I also went a little crazy and bought like I think 11? or so pieces for about $150. Gave up on SPINNS dress because so pricey (not rly) but yeah I am so so so satisfied with all my buys! My Dip Drops and Lowrys Farm♡♡ Those were the main. Some were really pricey but I am so in love with them! A little regretful but I didn't buy any otome game so its okay to spurge abit? (Bought Tokyo Ghoul and Tokyo Ghoul Re: too though.........) Later went on Taobao and bought more listen flavor and Liz Lisa stuffs fffff. But still okay erm erm still okay. And another random shirt sigh wonder why I did. But because of that manage to get same shirt as @kaemq so we can futago fashion!! Yatta ne!! So glad there weren't that many SPINNS/Punyus stuff tho there were a couple of WC stuffs.
When I was on Taobao I was like walau the reason why I keep spend spend cause I HOPE FROM GENRE TO GENRE :( I will first look for my favourite Harajuku street brands which are 'hardcore' (I avoid some tho) then I will go to normal hime-kei with all the frills and floral then I will hop hop to mori girl LOL :( then to normal brand clothes (Yes, I mean normal Dip Drops) and then normal cute stuffs WTF DO I EVEN WEAR and they are mostly stored at one corner. I WANT TO LOOK PRETTY FOR A WHILEEEEEE. But Sunday I won't be going out. Sian. Anyway, I look at them saying yes no I will not buy ya I won't buy ya ya crei as I add to cart AND ACTUALLY CHECK THE HELL OUT OF THEM :(( So now I have clothes on the way from China to me. OH ya speaking of which dk who knn complain me but you all better pay me back all the money I spent buying dresses for work ok WTF. What you want me wear siol.
Erm right now I am so excited for the kankore event (真顔. So excited for the new Italian Battleship! And going to clean my cupboard because whoever who complained me, I now have to put away the dresses now because i do not wear dresses out I mean I wear them 5 days out of 7 days I WANT TO WEAR SHORTS. Omg srsly lor who so idiot argh so irritated. ALL MY MONEY. Somemore you all pay so high knn you all buy for me la complain similj about me walau talking about it rly make me pek chek only.
♪ 心根 ー KK
♥Monday, March 09, 2015 / 3/09/2015 01:36:00 am♣
shizuka ni yureru
Feeling so sentimental reading my blog and I know I shouldn't do this but I think this is what I will do. There is nothing I need to get off my chest, nothing for me to feel emotional, but maybe I just need to be like the past (would say old times except I'm not sure how old would that be haha) typing out my feels and then maybe at the same time organize my thoughts. Doesn't help to ramusesusan's voice is so ikemen as usual and I finally found the one where he was singing OORs wherever you are!
March ne. In September I blogged about his half year. In March. 7th. I feel like crying so much now I miss him so much. I never thought that my words could touch people or move people to tears. But because this is my blog, I understand how I write, understand what or how I try to express myself which made me tear even more. It has been a year since then. Time flew by so much some things that happened 3 weeks - 1 month ago can seem just like yesterday. It never seemed like a year have passed. I miss him so much. I never realised how much death could affect me. I never realised how the parting of someone could affect me this much. So afraid of losing someone again. And it sucks when you know people who literally has death so near to them; death that is so imminent.
Obviously I know how it feels like. I wouldn't say I am sick until that bad, but I somehow can understand the pain and stuff. Not that much but at least what people who are in constant pain going through. Listening to sangatsu kokonoka because it is today in a way. Got @kaemq to send me because it is such a nice song. Went to rip ramusesusan's wherever you are too. Sob. I love all of them. And he sings most of the songs KK sings too. I guess both of them really sob my type. And ramusesusan abit Ono Yuuki. Hahaha. Wtf. Sob. I finally cleared up all my feelings. Went to play a little of the otome game, went to listen abit more music, do abit of this, do abit of that, I finally cleared my mind a little if not I am going to be so emo. Stalking insta and craving for instant noodles. Having a bit of a love hate relationship with it now. That is probably the only craving I have.
I want to eat sticky dates! But look at the time now. I hate going out on Monday's because it is the day that I feel most tired and lazy. Speaking of which a couple days ago a muthafcking flying cockroach landed on my leg and crawled awhile before I brushed it off screaming like crazy wtF now when things drop on my leg I am mad sensitive sobsob. Ended up only sleeping 3 hours that day because too scared cannot catch it there is no corpse and I cannOT risk that thing flying around?! God. I actually fell asleep hugging ahma's leg haha. Later heard from supervisor that only female pregnant cockroaches can fly WTF :((((( HORROR MAX because the corpse nvr come out it MIGHT be somewhere around my house giving birth to like 3 fcking k of baby roahces?!! AND BREED>???? WHAT IF TERRAFORMARS ok sorry that was stupid. But yeah that?? srsly and I think roaches do not need to have such a strong living power okay sheng ming li qiang idk that in ENglish but whatever HORROR OF MY LIFE. Worst than in Chong Pang. OK.
Still thinking about the Bintan trip, to go or not to go. Sometimes wonder if it is better for me to be alone, but so scared of thinking too much when I am alone. And I am totally contradicting my previous post. Maybe it is better for me to go out and have fun? Is that it? I am not too sure. Better than me alone at home otome gaming? I am quite shiawase that way. Not sure. And I guess to other people, they cannot comprehend why I need to contemplate whether to go or not to go. :/ I mean they are all my friends, who doesn't enjoy not being with their friends. I would surely do, if not for my leg. Yes I am sorry for being a bitch about whining my leg all the time but I am not sorry at the same time because just because I don't say anything or complain so often people often thinks that my leg is god damn recovered when I AM NOT. I am so frustrated and tired but ok I don't want to turn this into an angst post. Argh. And work tomorrow. I need to finish this up. :( I am going to continue thinking about Nov and Dec.
All my posts are so sad, I feel sad reading them. Like what he used to say, maybe I just like being emo. But that is because I don't like to feel optimistic about something only to have it crashing down. Omg crying listening to Wherever you are is just so poisonous :((. I think this is one song I can listen to forever. Not to mention it is a ballad my god!! Oh yes, I listened to drama CD today again! I was sooo anticipating for Doruma Renai because it is supposedly a love triangle thing and NTR was supposed to happen but halfway through, I realised this is not happening. Felt so damn disappointed because the front part is so good. Maybe the first 2 tracks. I can't yanderes so the moment he turned yan-ed that was the end for me. And also from that point onwards realised that NTR isn't happening. SO DISAPPOINTED! :( Think this is a hint that I shouldn't expect too much after Dannna Igai where the title is SO MISLEADING I swear it is like worst than Doruma Renai and NTR DIDN'T EVEN HAPPEN?? PURPOSE OF THE CD???
There was a chance for NTR but I will still give it to the scene writer who can think until so sibei drama and still end it I guess quite nicely though abit rush and still damn drama walau similj blackmail walau if me I sure sayonara with the guy ady similj. oK anyway I am still waiting something like kareshi igai I want my NTR srsly none of my drama CDs excite me as much as kareshi igai. Imagine my super excitement upon dannna igai and then now this. Gosh. Guess I really shouldn't expect so high. And can sort of can see no one likes NTR. Have never seen anyone aside from Nerosan who likes NTR. Yes okay I agree NTR is bad but it is the only thing pretty in paper and ugly in 3D. I will definitely never forgive 3D NTR but that is what makes it so pretty in the 2D world. Because it is something we can't have in the 3D world that is why I like to see it happening in the 2D at least. 3D already cannot at least forgive abit la happen in 2d?? Got people like me and nerosan who likes ok?? But yes 3D NTR is a no no no.
Hahaha okay now this post feels abit more genki. What else am I anticipating? Hmm. Just went to play the prologue of the newest Voltage game, Something otona no koi something something yeah. Went to play the prologue and I think every guy who is named Makoto is so fcking handsome. I think the art is getting suckier and suckier I think Voltage needs to do something to retain their artistes because 1. art is tough work yo 2. The industry is hard enough to survive in 3. people surely play/buy because of the art. Feel so turn off if the guy I like is not ikemen even though personality is so my type, I mean, 3D alr no ikemen 2D at least let me have them la?? ok. The art damn bimyou but much nicer than the room share one I think. All hair same colour wtF at least this one variation. And so many osananajimi OK CAN. Already decided whose route I will get. Usually everyone's route I will want to buy but recently voltage only give me 1 - 2 choices which is good for my wallet also. Lol. As usual the ore-sama and Makoto!!!
Yasashii kei rly my type HEHE. If they chu pattern like the bidder one knn you will see all my money fly. In Feb the Akuma one have closing down sale I bought all lor WTF money. Even have to borrow money from my dad just to sustain my game sigh. Need to return my dad money :((. But yes anyway I really bought for the art and even if they not ikemen story not ikemen the face ikemen enough le LOL (menkui. Haha But ya, what I learnt is that in 3D world, everyone is so menkui. I see people around me i know already. Hahhaa. Okay. Tomorrow shall ganbaru with my blog posts. I hope March won't be so depressing and be a much more happier one because it is such a long month. I feel terrible screaming at my ahma today but at the same time, I wish she learnt. I am always feeling sorry and at the same time not, because I learnt to not regret my actions; which means I am always thinking before I act.
Going to listen to wherever you are again and again and again and again but not too srsly inb4 I crei. Sigh. Nice voice nice song and I really like the original song I just like everything. I miss listening to KK's album too. I need to buy his album. I don't think I have ever heard an album over 40 times (all songs). I need to listen to GARNET CROW and rairu's albums too.. Seriouslyyy. I need to do something about my love to ballads. Hahaha. Need to go and get kisumai songs back too. I miss tanagokoro and it is so wierd because I really like that song and it is the only ballad from them. orz.
♪ ３月９日 ー レミオロメン